2021

What keeps you sane? What is the reason you're still alive? What is so beautiful in this world that it makes you stay?

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Feelings. 

I have experienced the sort of love that I could sacrifice everything for, but in the end, I still love myself better. I still love myself a little more than I love others. And just as I thought that I would never meet someone able to accept this, I met him. 

He is one of the things that keeps me sane at this moment. I like myself when I'm around him because I forget everything else and I'm able to regain my confidence because of his reassuring gaze. 

When I look at him, the first thing I'd notice is his smile, like the sunshine. 

Not the cliche, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey", but really, the sunshine that keeps me alive but something I can't have too much of. 

All I know is I'm in love again. Getting lost in his eyes, his smile, getting pulled into a kiss, into the depths of our emotions, it just feels so right. Anywhere we go, anything we do, it feels right. 

I can even miss him when I'm with him, can't get any closer but still want him closer to me...

It's a little different from what I've felt for my lovers in the past though. There's the wish that we could be together forever, definitely, however, none of us made a move to promise anything. It is as if we both know that it is too much to wish for, that we're just being greedy, that we could be asking for too much. 

Restrain. We restrain ourselves so we won't have it all way too soon, so that everything wouldn't end as fast as we started, like all the relationships that we've ever had. Maybe we're just paranoid, maybe we're just learning how to trust each other after so many broken trusts we have experienced.

He isn't perfect, in fact, far from perfect, but he gives me what I need. He gave me what I thought I never needed, and unveiled the needs that I no longer can deny, unraveling mysteries I didn't know myself. 

Eyes are windows to your soul, and his eyes give me gazes I can never forget, from when we first met till now, indescribable longing, need, joy, hurt, anger, love, shyness. I never imagined that a guy his age could be so adorable looking, but I guess everyone has their charms, and this will solely be his charm on me, something I will never be able to forget even if I may want to someday. He's so full of emotions, surprising me with things he feel. 

His anger at things hurting me that I never realized, his frustration at dumb things that I never knew I was doing, his approving look when I say something confident about myself, his attentiveness and silence when listening to me, they're all so unique. 

Little details that he never seem to be able to miss, the way he winks at me with both of his eyes, the crinkles at the edges when he smiles, how he's able to smile and laugh at himself when the situation gets awkward, it's so hard not to be won over that I keep wondering why I never noticed him before this. 

I can't quite imagine a future with him, but I am happy with what I have now. 

I'm willing to try on this new commitment, and if he's willing to, why not, right? 

I wish I had more time to know him before feeling all these things, but I'd have it no other way. Things are perfect how they happened, just like how I wanted it to be, just like how I wish it to be, no controlled situations, no intentional confrontations.. 

I'm still learning, and if he's my next lesson, I'm more than ready to take it on.