Break up

Hi I'm Ruth

Well you know I'm only 15, born in 20 september 2000.
I'm a very good child if I may say so, I'm not lying but I sometimes just don't believe the adults when they say Facebook love isn't true love. And many many other things about Facebook.

Well, for one, I have a lover on Facebook. I'm not afraid to say so. Even if this comes to the hearing of my parents, I don't really care much anymore, because I broke up with him.

He is only 13 years old. Don't ask me how I fell in love with him but yes, I do love him. Whether as a sister, a friend, a best friend or a lover, I love him. I guess I'm just too young to define love as what it is. Even people older than me, not all of them know what love is.

It is true love, I think, or at least it was. Maybe it is still, as I'm still his friend.

Anyway, I just think that guys have a style of breaking up. First, they talk to you more and more seldomly, and then stop, then one day they'll send a message suddenly to you, saying they want to break up.

This happened to me twice. Once with this guy, and another, with another guy earlier.

As this is internet love, as I said earlier, when I start to have uncertainty towards  him, I posted many negative things. Not really negative, but enough to convey that I am not happy with this situation to anyone that is sensitive enough to read the meaning behind my words. I hope he does so, and he did.

He said to me that he was busy, and I said it's okay, and I lied to him saying that the post wasn't meant for him. He was greatly relieved when I say that, but I still feel uncertainty towards his love.

On Monday, he told me that his father read our messages and asked him to break up with me. Actually it didn't started like that.

We talked for half an hour, and he said he was tired and wanted to sleep so I said bye to him. After another half an hour, I felt that I have the need to tell him something before I forgot it. And as I said hi, he suddenly became active and said, "bad news."

I was really scared when he said that. You see, I already had uncertainty towards him. So I already held a probability that he will be saying something about a break up. And so he did.

Even though I already expected that, when he said it I was still pretty shocked and said yes. I didn't bother to ask any questions or cry. It was the utmost sorrow I have ever felt in my 15 years, even when I broke up with the other last year, it wasn't as sad compared to this.

I lost my nerves. I wanted to cry and shout but I didn't, I just stared at the screen for a long time. (I forgot to mention that after he saw me say yes he went offline). After a few minutes, I sang the song 'Turn your eyes upon Jesus', and the tears came and never stopped until half an hour later, approximately 22 minutes or more.

Is this true love, guys?

\I don't hate him. I love him. But he did this to me. He said to me that he wished me to be his bestfriend because we break up because of his father, and unwillingly.

But I became more uncertain of his love towards me. Is this possible? doubts, doubts everywhere.

I have a theory. When you break up, if you remain friends, you either yearn the other or hate the other, am I right? And I, yearn him.

 I am still friends with him though. He is okay for now. He said that he cried that night too. But he didn't stay online to cry with me... why?

The next day I cried 3 times again. Maybe it is worthless to cry but I cry to get it all out. The third day, I stopped crying, Not because I want or I do't want to, but because I have no tears left. When I felt like the tears are welling in my eyes, I touched them, but they aren't much. Not even enough to spill.

Now, I don't know if he still loves me. I hope he does.



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